Hi Charles, It’s Ralphie here.

Indeed this can be an uncomfortable situation and I think we can all relate.

There are several options here, though some may be more effective than others. Personally, grievous bodily harm seems to do the trick, especially when carried out by a stuffed bear whom can not be tried by law under the current legislation. Nothing brutal, just a touch up ought to raise some eyebrows.

Otherwise, just use your internet connection to watch “Dumb and Dumber” and pay particular attention to the scene where “turbo lax” is slipped into a drink, or hot peppers are slipped into a sandwich. Both certainly make their mark.

Of course, you can always slash his tires and leave suspicious messages for him from an unknown other woman. That should work a treat.

Keep me posted and be sure to send photos.

Ralphie.

 I am a Harrod’s luxury Bear who has sadly been stuffed away in a storage box for several years with nothing more than my Ipad and a moderately reliable internet connection to keep me entertained. It seems my owner is no longer interested in me since that lacrosse player Kyle came along.
 
What is it with that guy, anyway? He has more hair on his body than me and tells the same story over and over about ‘that time I rescued a pelican’. Yet it seems, somehow, that she loves him for it.

Worst of all, my position under the bed means I am forced to listen to their demented rutting three times a week from my cardboard confines. The headless Barbie doll I share with gets quite excited during these times, making for a rather uncomfortable three minutes.

How can I make my owner pay attention to me again?

Regards
Charles

Say Happy B’Day to Pete for me.

Ev

I think i made a big mistake the other day… I tried to break the ice with a cute brunette I met on the trail named Candace by asking if she had ever had a “face shot”, to which she kicked me in right in the gondolas. Was this the wrong thing to say?

Dear Chops.

Sorry for the delayed reply this time. I have been looking into my family tree to either confirm or deny this relation.

At this stage it is unclear as to whether I am indeed related as my great, great, great, great grandfather Shitzu “Bonhead III” was once molested by some dirty bitch out of Compton, who was originally from the Eastern block. Who knows where she had slept around, right? A couple of drinks and maybe there is a “bear in there”?

I’ll let you know if anything further comes to light.

Ralphie.

Dear Ralphie,

Thank you for your concise reply. Are you perchance distantly related to Keith the Moravian Swearing Bear?

Hi Chops,

I have excellent hygiene, so this is not an issue for me. Keep in mind, I am a stuffed dog. The only time this would be a problem is if I fell in it, but I’m sure that would be an issue for you too?

Keep living the powder.

Ralphie.

Dear Syphillus,

Firstly, with a name like that, no offence buddy, but your friends are probably sneaking in a few runs without you.

Now keep in mind that I am a dog and can’t actually ski, so I haven’t checked out Epic Mix yet, but I am hoping it can also keep track of the trees and fence posts I “mark” on my daily walk.

Epic Mix for dogs is the next big thing.

I’m expecting with a project this ambitious, there is bound to be problems at first. Full credit for the resorts for trying something so ambitious though. Here is what it says on the website about missing stats:

“This may from occur time-to-time as EpicMix is in beta production. We understand that there may be bugs with the system. If your data was not correctly captured, please send us an email detailing your issue at epicmix@vailresorts.com and we will work with you to appropriately account for your day.”

Get amongst it Syphilus! Good luck with the ladies with a name like that.

Ralphie